What is Love? A Take at Love's Definition
It's hard to write about this topic without revealing a lot about my personal experiences, which ultimately gives clues as to who I am. I prefer to keep that concealed, as I'm sure many of you have gathered. With that said, however, I feel that my life has taught me enough to comment on the topic, and I hope that sharing my learnings with you my readers/followers could inspire and help.
Let's get right to it, shall we ...
I'd like to jump right to the summary and then later elaborate if that's OK: It may also help those TL;DR folks.
Love is a physiological & chemical reaction that, in my opinion, spurs from infatuation. Basically, it's attractiveness that leads to the need; rather, want, to be with someone. This infatuation, by definition, is not a permanent state. What remains is compatibility, dedication, respect, compassion and (my favorite) rights & obligations. How they're used hereon out is what defines and measures that relationship. The exercise is love.
Glancing at my selection of words you can see that this is not just a physical or emotional state. It's both; and more. It's consummated with a further connection, which is also physical, emotional, chemical, etc. And I know for many this is not just marriage, but I'll leave that for another topic. Nonetheless, the act itself cannot be separated from that description. Those who run from the resemblance of such connections are running from something much more. Can someone subdue those feelings, connections, etc.? Of course! They can even be selective about which ones; but this is not a Chinese menu from which one should pick. Doing so is rarely successful, both in my experiences and observations.
There are those who yearn for such a connection without the pre-condition of infatuation and/or attraction, however. Yes, they exist in the World. They don't mind marrying (although this topic is not about marriage) a widow to help her and/or her orphans, for example —Not out of pity or even sympathy, but a sense of moral obligation.
I'd like to build on this example a bit, if I may: One could marry due to arrangements, as commonly / stereotypically "heard" of in India, for example. One could also follow the "American way" of dating. Ironically, the former statistically has been more successful. That aside, however, it's folks that have come to realize that things (marriage, love, etc.) could go either way. Whether someone plans or not, one cannot know how things would turn out to be. So why plan it? Why prefer to "fall in love?" Why look for it? Why does it matter with whom you end up?
I understand the preferences one would want, but as long as they're met, does it really matter? And even those preferences, it's rare that someone will match them perfectly. So let's say one goes for an 80/20 rule, where they'll be happy if someone meets 80% of their preferences, taking into consideration some core non-negotiable ones, of course ... How things turn out afterwards may change; right? It could even be argued, although it could be argued either way but I'll play the devil's advocate here, that the more of a match they are the more likely it won't work out later. Again, the opposite could be said as well.
What am I getting at here? Where am I going?
No one knows how things are going to turn out. No one!! If one truly realizes how true that is, how profound that is, it changes a lot, if not everything. Love, now, becomes the journey. The beginning, which I prefer to call "the spark" (instead of "love at first sight"), is nothing more than that infatuation ... that attraction. In my example, the person marrying the widow is now simply choosing to skip that beginning because of their moral beliefs. If this does nothing, just writing about this topic renews my faith in in fate.
We often hear of people falling out of love —No longer "in love." It has been my experience and observation that something in the list of adjectives described above has been compromised. More often than not, it's rights & obligations. Once a partner's rights are not being met, then one of many windows in that relationship's house is now open. The longer it's open the stronger the smell of invitation. Whether it be invitation to outsiders, or to the sheer announcement of availability. This is a window for corruption. Think of it as a leak in your house. Sooner or later the damage is going to cost you. Often, those with morals do not sound off the availability announcement but fail to close the window and prevent it from sending out the invitation smell. And although it's a different topic, that invitation "smell" is done in the form of body-language, how one dresses, takes care of themselves, etc. The focus is not for their partner. If anything, it's done for anyone but the partner.
This becomes a vicious cycle of violations in the rights & obligations department. This is where compassion, patience, understanding, etc. comes in. It's work. It's non-stop. It's a house of relationships. The cleaning, the chores, the fixing, the improvements ... all of it never stop. Those who understand that are the only ones ready for love.
And I've barely begun to scratch the surface! When you pepper that with life's events like children, different cultures, inter-racial relationships, financial troubles, languages, etc. that love ... that relationship ... that house is challenged with attacks. It takes strength to protect and clean/fix/improve/etc. That strength cannot come from one person, however. It comes from both in that relationship.
How the two support one another is love. It's in that very "how" that people fail to see and recognize. How they support one another during all those challenges on the conveyor-belt of life is true love. Where that conveyor-belt goes is just the ride. Not to be melodramatic here, but the end of that ride is death. Your beliefs dictate what's beyond that.
Everyone wants love. Everyone wants to jump on that conveyor-belt but no one recognizes that it's moving, that there are/will be challenges, and no one wants to admit that they don't know what coming in the future or even around the corner.
This is where fundamental moral beliefs shape how pleasant, or not, that journey will be. We talked about supporting one another. The other part is being content (from contentment, a state of being). Being happy with what you have and what is dealt your way is key on this conveyor-belt. How you handle it when you and your loved one do not have enough is amongst the biggest of challenges thrown at a relationship. It will either make or break you. My advice: Be happy with the little you have instead of what you don't.
Thinking about this a tad deeper, one can quickly ascertain that the reason behind wanting to be in love, wanting to be in a relationship, must come into question. Looking for love? Why? Don't let TV/Hollywood sway your logic, expectations, etc. Think about it and try to answer the question of why. For many, it's companionship in one form or another. The justifications may be different —biological clock ticking, wanting kids, etc.
Even when one's desires is all they're looking to fulfill, it's that need for belonging, for companionship, physical or not, that inert need is all that drives us. So if love is strictly kick-started with infatuation/attraction, requires work 'till the very end and it's all about (truly) companionship, then what matters in this cycle? Out of all of this, what is it that should truly matter? It's the choice. Who's best to join me on this conveyor-belt and deal with me, my shortcomings, habits, both of our current & upcoming challenges, etc.
A deeper thought quickly revealed to me that physical beauty takes a back seat. This is hard for me to admit, especially since I'm a guy. We don't just like curves and certain features, we adore and seek them out. This, again, re-enforces that the beginning, the infatuation/attraction that is often more physical than otherwise, can take a back seat; and that the journey is truly what matters.
The journey, that conveyor-belt, and your view of it is the very essence of love. Naturally, and as I had mentioned before, how one is towards the other will play a major role. But how is one suppose to know that their choice (their selection of a loved one) is the right one? Well, we already covered that. You can't. It's, for a lack of a better word, fate. What you do with what you're dealt is all up to you. I don't mean that you should just sit there and wait. Instead, I mean pursue your loved one with that in mind. Set out what matters to you, define your different milestones along that relationship belt, and figure out what matters to you. I recently read that "real men don't love the most beautiful girl in the world, they love the girl who can make their world the most beautiful." Once again, a lesser emphasis on the physical part and in turn that "beginning" I mentioned.
Ultimately, what matters to you will be different than what matters to me and what matters to others. It's for that very reason that we humanity could not agree on the definition of love. Its definition means different things to different people.
Loving one's children, if you notice, contains all those same adjectives described above. The difference is that it's all unconditional. Hmmm, which brings us to a good point ... if part of your rights and obligations is to fulfill your end of the relationship unconditionally, then it's very unlikely that your relationship fails. Think about it. It's the epitome of contentedness.
So what's left?
A lot. Understanding the rights & obligations of each in the relationship is a discussion in & of itself. What are her rights? What are her obligations? What are his? It's hard to have that sort of conversation without talking directly or indirectly about roles. And without going into it right here & now, I say that knowing what you want up front and being true with & towards your expectations of your (future-) partner will only help you refine the choice & selection, and ultimately attain love by starting that journey with that person. Reminding yourselves of it all can only help you renew that love along the way.
Last note: This all seemed to have de-emphasized the physical part and that's not correct. It simply moved. It now belongs under rights & obligations. In other words, the physical part of love (aka "making love") is now a pillar of rights & obligations. It's not required to be in a relationship; instead, it's required to keep it going.
Honestly, the more I write about this and think it out, the more I realize that starting a relationship without minimizing the physical part up front (beyond knowing one's preferences, that is) is likely to decrease (in folds) one's chances of a successful relationship. "Making love" before explicitly/pro-actively choosing your mate is really, then, nothing more than a physical outlet. This reduces us to animals.
Crap! I think I just inadvertently justified marriage and explained the reasoning behind it. My head just jumped a few logical puddles and quickly deduced, beyond this article, other things like polygyny.
I didn't intend for all of this, but I appreciate you staying with me as I apparently just thought out loud (Yikes!). I look forward to your comments & feedback.
Let's get right to it, shall we ...
I'd like to jump right to the summary and then later elaborate if that's OK: It may also help those TL;DR folks.
Love is a physiological & chemical reaction that, in my opinion, spurs from infatuation. Basically, it's attractiveness that leads to the need; rather, want, to be with someone. This infatuation, by definition, is not a permanent state. What remains is compatibility, dedication, respect, compassion and (my favorite) rights & obligations. How they're used hereon out is what defines and measures that relationship. The exercise is love.
Glancing at my selection of words you can see that this is not just a physical or emotional state. It's both; and more. It's consummated with a further connection, which is also physical, emotional, chemical, etc. And I know for many this is not just marriage, but I'll leave that for another topic. Nonetheless, the act itself cannot be separated from that description. Those who run from the resemblance of such connections are running from something much more. Can someone subdue those feelings, connections, etc.? Of course! They can even be selective about which ones; but this is not a Chinese menu from which one should pick. Doing so is rarely successful, both in my experiences and observations.
There are those who yearn for such a connection without the pre-condition of infatuation and/or attraction, however. Yes, they exist in the World. They don't mind marrying (although this topic is not about marriage) a widow to help her and/or her orphans, for example —Not out of pity or even sympathy, but a sense of moral obligation.
I'd like to build on this example a bit, if I may: One could marry due to arrangements, as commonly / stereotypically "heard" of in India, for example. One could also follow the "American way" of dating. Ironically, the former statistically has been more successful. That aside, however, it's folks that have come to realize that things (marriage, love, etc.) could go either way. Whether someone plans or not, one cannot know how things would turn out to be. So why plan it? Why prefer to "fall in love?" Why look for it? Why does it matter with whom you end up?
I understand the preferences one would want, but as long as they're met, does it really matter? And even those preferences, it's rare that someone will match them perfectly. So let's say one goes for an 80/20 rule, where they'll be happy if someone meets 80% of their preferences, taking into consideration some core non-negotiable ones, of course ... How things turn out afterwards may change; right? It could even be argued, although it could be argued either way but I'll play the devil's advocate here, that the more of a match they are the more likely it won't work out later. Again, the opposite could be said as well.
What am I getting at here? Where am I going?
No one knows how things are going to turn out. No one!! If one truly realizes how true that is, how profound that is, it changes a lot, if not everything. Love, now, becomes the journey. The beginning, which I prefer to call "the spark" (instead of "love at first sight"), is nothing more than that infatuation ... that attraction. In my example, the person marrying the widow is now simply choosing to skip that beginning because of their moral beliefs. If this does nothing, just writing about this topic renews my faith in in fate.
We often hear of people falling out of love —No longer "in love." It has been my experience and observation that something in the list of adjectives described above has been compromised. More often than not, it's rights & obligations. Once a partner's rights are not being met, then one of many windows in that relationship's house is now open. The longer it's open the stronger the smell of invitation. Whether it be invitation to outsiders, or to the sheer announcement of availability. This is a window for corruption. Think of it as a leak in your house. Sooner or later the damage is going to cost you. Often, those with morals do not sound off the availability announcement but fail to close the window and prevent it from sending out the invitation smell. And although it's a different topic, that invitation "smell" is done in the form of body-language, how one dresses, takes care of themselves, etc. The focus is not for their partner. If anything, it's done for anyone but the partner.
This becomes a vicious cycle of violations in the rights & obligations department. This is where compassion, patience, understanding, etc. comes in. It's work. It's non-stop. It's a house of relationships. The cleaning, the chores, the fixing, the improvements ... all of it never stop. Those who understand that are the only ones ready for love.
And I've barely begun to scratch the surface! When you pepper that with life's events like children, different cultures, inter-racial relationships, financial troubles, languages, etc. that love ... that relationship ... that house is challenged with attacks. It takes strength to protect and clean/fix/improve/etc. That strength cannot come from one person, however. It comes from both in that relationship.
How the two support one another is love. It's in that very "how" that people fail to see and recognize. How they support one another during all those challenges on the conveyor-belt of life is true love. Where that conveyor-belt goes is just the ride. Not to be melodramatic here, but the end of that ride is death. Your beliefs dictate what's beyond that.
Everyone wants love. Everyone wants to jump on that conveyor-belt but no one recognizes that it's moving, that there are/will be challenges, and no one wants to admit that they don't know what coming in the future or even around the corner.
This is where fundamental moral beliefs shape how pleasant, or not, that journey will be. We talked about supporting one another. The other part is being content (from contentment, a state of being). Being happy with what you have and what is dealt your way is key on this conveyor-belt. How you handle it when you and your loved one do not have enough is amongst the biggest of challenges thrown at a relationship. It will either make or break you. My advice: Be happy with the little you have instead of what you don't.
Thinking about this a tad deeper, one can quickly ascertain that the reason behind wanting to be in love, wanting to be in a relationship, must come into question. Looking for love? Why? Don't let TV/Hollywood sway your logic, expectations, etc. Think about it and try to answer the question of why. For many, it's companionship in one form or another. The justifications may be different —biological clock ticking, wanting kids, etc.
Even when one's desires is all they're looking to fulfill, it's that need for belonging, for companionship, physical or not, that inert need is all that drives us. So if love is strictly kick-started with infatuation/attraction, requires work 'till the very end and it's all about (truly) companionship, then what matters in this cycle? Out of all of this, what is it that should truly matter? It's the choice. Who's best to join me on this conveyor-belt and deal with me, my shortcomings, habits, both of our current & upcoming challenges, etc.
A deeper thought quickly revealed to me that physical beauty takes a back seat. This is hard for me to admit, especially since I'm a guy. We don't just like curves and certain features, we adore and seek them out. This, again, re-enforces that the beginning, the infatuation/attraction that is often more physical than otherwise, can take a back seat; and that the journey is truly what matters.
The journey, that conveyor-belt, and your view of it is the very essence of love. Naturally, and as I had mentioned before, how one is towards the other will play a major role. But how is one suppose to know that their choice (their selection of a loved one) is the right one? Well, we already covered that. You can't. It's, for a lack of a better word, fate. What you do with what you're dealt is all up to you. I don't mean that you should just sit there and wait. Instead, I mean pursue your loved one with that in mind. Set out what matters to you, define your different milestones along that relationship belt, and figure out what matters to you. I recently read that "real men don't love the most beautiful girl in the world, they love the girl who can make their world the most beautiful." Once again, a lesser emphasis on the physical part and in turn that "beginning" I mentioned.
Ultimately, what matters to you will be different than what matters to me and what matters to others. It's for that very reason that we humanity could not agree on the definition of love. Its definition means different things to different people.
Loving one's children, if you notice, contains all those same adjectives described above. The difference is that it's all unconditional. Hmmm, which brings us to a good point ... if part of your rights and obligations is to fulfill your end of the relationship unconditionally, then it's very unlikely that your relationship fails. Think about it. It's the epitome of contentedness.
So what's left?
A lot. Understanding the rights & obligations of each in the relationship is a discussion in & of itself. What are her rights? What are her obligations? What are his? It's hard to have that sort of conversation without talking directly or indirectly about roles. And without going into it right here & now, I say that knowing what you want up front and being true with & towards your expectations of your (future-) partner will only help you refine the choice & selection, and ultimately attain love by starting that journey with that person. Reminding yourselves of it all can only help you renew that love along the way.
Last note: This all seemed to have de-emphasized the physical part and that's not correct. It simply moved. It now belongs under rights & obligations. In other words, the physical part of love (aka "making love") is now a pillar of rights & obligations. It's not required to be in a relationship; instead, it's required to keep it going.
Honestly, the more I write about this and think it out, the more I realize that starting a relationship without minimizing the physical part up front (beyond knowing one's preferences, that is) is likely to decrease (in folds) one's chances of a successful relationship. "Making love" before explicitly/pro-actively choosing your mate is really, then, nothing more than a physical outlet. This reduces us to animals.
Crap! I think I just inadvertently justified marriage and explained the reasoning behind it. My head just jumped a few logical puddles and quickly deduced, beyond this article, other things like polygyny.
I didn't intend for all of this, but I appreciate you staying with me as I apparently just thought out loud (Yikes!). I look forward to your comments & feedback.
Posted by Anti-inertiatic at Saturday, December 24, 2011 6:40 PM 
Categories: Religion and Morality, Life in general
Tags: love Marriage Relationships Compassion Love Definition
Categories: Religion and Morality, Life in general
Tags: love Marriage Relationships Compassion Love Definition
Comments