Sex between a married couple is an issue with which many struggle. It could be frequency, quality, or how it's stale and no longer exciting.  Although not a Psychologist, I still recognize that the stresses of life and overall communication are to blame for a good part of the issues.  But I did not want to tackle that aspect. Instead, I wanted to give my perspective as a guy on the issue(s) that occur when couples are having sex after having been in a relationship for some time (beyond the honeymoon stage)

It could be argued that having sex, beyond intimacy or the act of "making love," is a pillar of marriage.  Without which, the implications are vast and have a domino-like effect.  The act of having sex, however, should not lay squarely on the wife, as many expect.  Men are just as guilty of violating this pillar.  The implications start with stress, and can quickly turn into resentment.  Unfortunately, in many situations it also leads to infidelity.  Beyond the couple themselves, the domino effect continues to affect the family; especially the children.  With divorce as a sure thing, the implications move-on to affect the neighborhood (no one wants to see their neighbor torn apart like that), the community (a house on sale/foreclosure), and even the tax-payer (how else do you expect the state to handle & channel divorces and child-support?).

I can't help but bring up my faith here, when I've purposely avoided doing so.  In Islam, divorce is the most loathed/detested act of all allowed things.  In other words, there are reasons when it makes sense, but it's avoided as much as possible.  Yet, I doubt many would argue that it's inevitable in the scenario I depicted above.  And it's not uncommon or that far-fetched.  I feel compelled to warn those who are thinking or nearing infidelity, but it's not the focus of this post. Just know that it's not worth it.It's rare that it ever is. Very rare. And when it is, it means the implications were small by comparison.  But they are still a direct result of your doing. If you don't have kids (where the biggest impact is), then why not do it right? Get a clean divorce and then move on.

Similarly, pre-marital sex is not the focus of this post either.  It should not be the case that those outside of wedlock have & enjoy an abundance of sex, while those who have joined hands in commitment against all things, time, situations, etc. suffer its scarcity.  Whether it's in quality, quantity, etc. sex should transpose all boundaries in a marriage.  Outside of most abuse, which could easily be argued as terms for a divorce in & of itself, sex should transpose the boundaries of arguments, debates, and the stresses of everyday life.  One's self image should never be a reason to punish the other spouse.  Neither should work schedules nor financial hardship.

I know a couple that have gone several months without sex because of one spouse's work schedule, stress, etc.  While another couple I know, who have had non-stop financial issues, bad judgment calls by one spouse (causes of argument), and several other factors, but their marriage has enjoyed a healthy dose of this pillar.  No one can argue that 1st couple love each other any less than the 2nd one.  Because it's not about love!  It's about what we allow as barriers between one another. If you're still together, then very little should get in the way!

Granted, there may be delays measured in weeks; but they are an exception, and not the norm.  Otherwise, the culprit (the job, the reason behind the stress, etc.) needs to be evaluated, and made a candidate for immediate elimination. Other exceptions include working out & through any psychological impacts like the death of a child, a house burning down, etc.  But allowing the day-to-day to get into the way is usually a recipe for disaster within any marriage.  In all of my experience, I have yet to see where the lack of sex was agreed on by both husband & wife, and where it's not an issue —In more cases than not, it's a major issue.  The point of contention, usually, is what is/not "day-to-day" issues. Most issues we identify as "major" are part of everyday life.  Financial hardship is a good example. Car accidents is another.  They're major, in their own right; but they're not major enough to strain the relationship to the point of breaking it.  Perhaps I'm over simplifying it; so please chime-in with your comments.

It is not my intention to imply that there are not reasons for a spouse to avoid sex either.  I'm simply saying that your spouse has rights regardless of your reasons.  And as a pillar of marriage, the implications of neglecting and/or avoiding it far outweigh those reasons in many (if not most) cases. That's not to say don't reach a resolution to the underlying issue(s), but that balance of resolving issues and breaking a pillar is what should be sought out.

I'm going to pick on the females for a minute (since I'm a guy).  It's my belief, and I'm open to being corrected (in the comments), that no matter how upset you may be at your husband, and regardless of the reason's severity, not having sex over an extended time will have implications that will eclipse that reason.  In this case, quantity (frequency) should not suffer until a resolution is reached; otherwise, you're simply using sex as a weapon.  For a man, sex is not just a release, but a way to feel intimacy (which's different from sex), love and overall closeness. You're likely to have your way, honestly, if sex was taken care of than if it was an issue.

I can't claim to have the answers for how to improve the quality of sex in a marriage, but I do know it's not about position, "skill" or size.  And contrary to the beliefs of some, it's not intimacy in the act either; although that couldn't hurt.  I personally believe it's all about desire & passion!

Think about it.  Once a couple is divorced, he's likely to work out, and she's likely to make herself marketable too (down to wearing a thong again).  Even without a divorce, infidelity is almost always echoing "it was just physical." It's about how you make your spouse feel.  For women, it's almost always argued that it's intimacy, but the mention of animal-like-sex is usually met with a welcoming smile. So it's not just intimacy.  For men, intimacy is a result of sex, not leading up to it.  Although I haven't read it, I expect (I hope) that Men from Mars, Women from Venus addresses how the two view intimacy.  But I'm not sure if it addresses desire & passion (since I haven't read it).  In my book (no pun intended), however, these are the keys to a happy sex life —to the quality part of having sex.  Of course, they're the keys and not the whole door.  Fixing the underlying issues, which lead to resentment are still a priority, but not at the cost of having sex.

What are your thoughts?  Do you agree?  Treat this as my perspective; and as such, I'm open to points of view and opinions.  Just please, watch your language.