Anti-Cultural-Inertia: A Mid-Life Crisis Perspective
Recently, I started thinking about things I'd like to have and how I ought to wait for this or that to happen before embarking on such things. This all lead me down a thinking road muddled with confusion. Confusion about the cultural stigma otherwise known as the "mid-life crisis."
Allow me to clarify before I embark such a topic, and give you my take & perspective. I'm not referring to the controversial medical condition or symptom of mid-life crisis; instead, I'm referring to the phase commonly believed many middle-aged men go through in their lives. Specifically, I'm referring to the cultural cliché of men where sports cars, hairpieces, and robbing the cradle (and running away) are thought to be commonplace.
Whether it was coined by Erik Erikson, and his theory of personality, or coined by Elliott Jaques as commonly referenced is irrelevant for the purposes of this perspective of mine. It is, however, worth mentioning that it's commonly spelled without a dash and as such I will continue to do so from this point onwards. What I do want to recognize, however, is that midlife crisis is an emotional period of doubt and anxiety sometimes experienced by people who realize that their life is already half over.
Male midlife crisis, the focal point of my perspective, has been attributed to both physical as well as psychological reasons, most of which have been listed below:
People who put little thought into what they want out of life and morethought into taking care of others are more likely to experience acrisis at midlife. If your spouse works hard, spends most of his freetime with his family and doesn’t pursue life experience outside hisfamily he is a sitting duck. He is someone in danger of going through amidlife crisis.
I don't think I've personally gone through such a "crisis," but I can't help and feel that it has already begun! Unlike most, I was eager to get married young and have children so that I could have more energy and relate better to the kids. I never cared about the financial aspects, and how children require a "small fortune" as many would have you believe. It is my personal belief, after all, that God provides for them —That with each child comes his/her bread.
Like most, I'm sure, having children at a young age means sacrifices are made. Among such sacrifices, for me as a guy, is having a nice car. As a drive-aholic, I would have loved to have a nice car. Whether it be a sports car or a luxury one is irrelevant. The point is that I can't have one because the children will simply destroy it. I see what they do to my average car even though it has the easier-to-clean leather seats. This tiny example brings us to the heart of the matter. By the time I can enjoy having a nice car without fear of the kids destroying it, I will be smack in the middle of the so called midlife crisis years. Let's paint a bigger picture here, shall we?
Getting married young usually means hard work for the couple to build a nest for themselves and their family. This encompasses such things as a house, cars, education, financial stability & security, etc. Putting aside what life might throw at such a couple, this could easily take a toll on them. Depending on their maturity, very few couples weather such tides. With many, the cost is emotional and/or physical. Like a guy who divorces his wife, gets a hot girlfriend and buys a redCorvette is a hoary but oft repeated stereotype of a man going througha midlife crisis, no different is sex within a marriage as viewed by most men. Directly put, it's not unusual to hear a married man saying something along the lines of "I had more sex before I got married." Granted, such a proclamation would rarely ever occur in front of the wife, but that's not the point now is it? As a Muslim, I recognize that this would be adultery (as it is for my fellow Christians —Exodus 20:14); but I'm purposefully trying to keep religion out of this one point briefly as to illustrate it.
When a man hits his 40's, which is believed by many to be the beginning of the midlife crisis period, it is without a doubt a time of physical, physiological, psychological and emotional change for a man. For example, one's sight starts to weaken. And as mentioned above, the change in the level of hormones alone could cause physical changes that may make a man impotent or weak in erection. And it's not surprising to hear that men become emotional as immediate as the week after they turn 40.
These are all facts for well over 50% of men. The intentionally dark picture painted here shows how it's quite normal to want a nice, even sporty, car (an example taken directly from my personal account / life). The timing of which, for those waiting until their children leave the nest, is likely to be smack in their mid-to-late 40's. While waiting for the time to do so, many men are very possibly living a weak sex-life within their marriage; occurring (or for most it's not occurring) during the prime time of their physical condition. All of a sudden, the "over the hill" celebration takes place! Within a very few years (if not months) their sight deteriorates. Your libido is no longer what it once used to be followed, if not accompanied, by a weaker erection and even impotence. Suddenly, you realize that age has crept up on you, your children are about to leave the nest (are likely hardly home at this stage), you're having a harder time keeping yourself in shape or even maintaining the bad shape you have (or once had), you may be diagnosed with this or that (see bullet points above), and now you feel more emotional with every passing day!
As I read this ... As I learn more and more about it all ... I can't help but feel that this is absolutely to be expected. Not reacting to it with buying on impulse, leaving your wife, etc. Rather, I'm referring to going through the change itself ... it's expected; but only if you're prepared for it together as husband & wife. Prepared to address it before it happens. Prepared to make a few changes and accurately setting expectations. On top of this list, if it exists in your life, you must find a way to correct any weak-sex-frequency or lack of sex all together as soon as possible. Recognize that you have probably gotten used to having the children interfere with your intimate lives because of their schedule, work, school, lack of sleep, etc. But don't wait until they're out of the house to try to spice things up. A healthy frequency for having sex within a marriage is twice a week. As a married man, who is still quite a ways from having a midlife crisis, I try to have sex at minimum once every three (3) days.
The reason I put so much importance on sex out of all the things I mentioned so far is because it's a major source of contention and resentment for men. Men, being more logical than emotional, will go through all the changes mentioned above and be OK, except for the sex part. It's how we, as men, express our emotions. And with the increasing emotional feelings that come with age, the quality of sex will be more important than the frequency. But that's from this point forward. All years passed, and the frequency and quality of sex with one's wife are quite equal, it not lob sided towards the former. If you haven't, I urge you to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray,Ph.D.
If you can't go to your wife, or won't out of resentment, hurt, etc., then when you are hit with a weaker erection, libido issues or even impotence, your wife will be your last resort —"She wasn't there for me when I needed her." You don't really have to be struck by any sexually related physical issues before you realize that resentment is taking you down a path you are sure to regret. I don't see a problem buying that nice car you wanted for yourself; regardless of what people think or may call it. But when you're driving the car you've been patiently waiting for, full of confidence despite all the other things you may be going through (minus anything sexually related as I was saying) then you may be now giving out a vibe. You are likely doing well in your career, have a new car, full of confidence, financially stable and/or comfortable, etc. And if you're slightly handsome, it's likely you'll be approached. Again, this is where your intimate relationship with your wife above all other (and I'm once again keeping religion out of it to illustrate the point) will be instrumental. If you've felt deprived regardless of the frequency, then that resentment alone will cloud your judgment. At minimum you will feel that you stayed in the marriage for the wrong reasons. If you don't have an affair, then your state of mind and increasing emotions will likely take you the path of divorce.
Yes, I realize that not all men are the same; but I feel comfortable thinking that there's an overwhelming number of them out there where these examples fit like a glove.
I say all of this assuming a stable man. A man that's not letting his mortality play a major role in this midlife crisis he's experiencing. A man that has morals and ethics. A man that is very loving of his wife and family. Any other, and things only become more complicated. And a true crisis could be at hand. Especially if alcohol and/or any substance abuse are involved.
The wife in many "western" societies is likely to be the one taking care of the bills these days. Having a husband that's all of a sudden interested in buying a sports car for himself should not be met with an outbreak. Instead, it's imperative to note that this is a time of change for the husband. A time to sit down and understand the drive and reason behind such a request. A time of understanding and support (that doesn't mean giving him a blank check or even agreeing to buy anything on impulse). Just keep in mind that all of the support, understanding, love, etc. is built on years of marriage. Make sure that the marriage is built without any resentment. Resentment is the termites that will eat your marriage from the inside out rendering all forms of support weak at best. And at the core of most resentment in marriage is sex —The health meter of your intimate relationship with your spouse.
The rest, like buying a car, the suggestion by the husband to spend the rest of your lives in a tropical/warmer climate area of the World, etc. is all secondary and can be worked on with ease ... in my opinion. I urge those of you who have not yet gone through a midlife crisis, and those of you who think they may be going through one now to examine some of the signs. Personally, I cannot imagine not being in love with my wife, blaming her for something major, waiting until I have an our, not caring about how she feels, viewing her as having been in the way all along, etc. Some of these signs (like #10) are just awful to even imagine.
I really believe that midlife crisis is a result, not a condition or a symptom. A result of a marriage built with a lot of resentment. For men, as I am one, it can easily be because of sex, rejection, etc. But definitely not just that. For women, who as I mentioned can also go through a midlife crisis, resentment can be from an emotionally distant husband, a not understanding one, an unsupportive husband, an abusive one, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't mistake my one-sided view of men (writing from that single point of view) blind you from knowing & understanding that women (our collective wives) have just as many reasons for the same type & kind of resentment that could make going through a midlife crisis for either of you a cause for the end of your relationship as a married couple.
Talk it out. Talk about it. Talk about your issues now. Solve them before the water is too muddy to clean. You owe it to each other. You owe it to yourselves. And you owe it to your kids and families. And to all my fellow men who will have, or already are going through having, a midlife crisis, take my word for it ... It is very rare for a hot young skirt to stick around. And if you don't believe me, make one of your first questions "I want more kids, I hope you feel the same way?" Don't let your clouded judgment, your hurt, your resentment, steer you away from the love of your life; from your wife.
Wishing you and I a happy journey to a more mature and wiser adulthood.
Allow me to clarify before I embark such a topic, and give you my take & perspective. I'm not referring to the controversial medical condition or symptom of mid-life crisis; instead, I'm referring to the phase commonly believed many middle-aged men go through in their lives. Specifically, I'm referring to the cultural cliché of men where sports cars, hairpieces, and robbing the cradle (and running away) are thought to be commonplace.
Whether it was coined by Erik Erikson, and his theory of personality, or coined by Elliott Jaques as commonly referenced is irrelevant for the purposes of this perspective of mine. It is, however, worth mentioning that it's commonly spelled without a dash and as such I will continue to do so from this point onwards. What I do want to recognize, however, is that midlife crisis is an emotional period of doubt and anxiety sometimes experienced by people who realize that their life is already half over.
Male midlife crisis, the focal point of my perspective, has been attributed to both physical as well as psychological reasons, most of which have been listed below:
- With time, the androgen(testosterone) levels in a male decline and he is not able to performas much as before. The fall in sex drive and weak erection lead to afeeling of impotence, frustration and irritability.
- Veryoften, male midlife crisis might be the result of a specific trigger,like a redundancy or divorce or leaving of home by children who havenow become independent.
- The most notable hormonal reason of male midlife crisis is the fall in androgen (testosterone) levels.
- Too much smoking or drinking might trigger the onset of mid life crisis in a male.
- Ailmentslike diabetes, hypertension and obesity might accelerate the fall inthe testosterone levels of a male and lead to mid life crisis.
- Prescription and non-prescription medications have been found to result in symptoms like the ones seen in case of midlife crisis.
People who put little thought into what they want out of life and morethought into taking care of others are more likely to experience acrisis at midlife. If your spouse works hard, spends most of his freetime with his family and doesn’t pursue life experience outside hisfamily he is a sitting duck. He is someone in danger of going through amidlife crisis.
I don't think I've personally gone through such a "crisis," but I can't help and feel that it has already begun! Unlike most, I was eager to get married young and have children so that I could have more energy and relate better to the kids. I never cared about the financial aspects, and how children require a "small fortune" as many would have you believe. It is my personal belief, after all, that God provides for them —That with each child comes his/her bread.
Like most, I'm sure, having children at a young age means sacrifices are made. Among such sacrifices, for me as a guy, is having a nice car. As a drive-aholic, I would have loved to have a nice car. Whether it be a sports car or a luxury one is irrelevant. The point is that I can't have one because the children will simply destroy it. I see what they do to my average car even though it has the easier-to-clean leather seats. This tiny example brings us to the heart of the matter. By the time I can enjoy having a nice car without fear of the kids destroying it, I will be smack in the middle of the so called midlife crisis years. Let's paint a bigger picture here, shall we?
Getting married young usually means hard work for the couple to build a nest for themselves and their family. This encompasses such things as a house, cars, education, financial stability & security, etc. Putting aside what life might throw at such a couple, this could easily take a toll on them. Depending on their maturity, very few couples weather such tides. With many, the cost is emotional and/or physical. Like a guy who divorces his wife, gets a hot girlfriend and buys a redCorvette is a hoary but oft repeated stereotype of a man going througha midlife crisis, no different is sex within a marriage as viewed by most men. Directly put, it's not unusual to hear a married man saying something along the lines of "I had more sex before I got married." Granted, such a proclamation would rarely ever occur in front of the wife, but that's not the point now is it? As a Muslim, I recognize that this would be adultery (as it is for my fellow Christians —Exodus 20:14); but I'm purposefully trying to keep religion out of this one point briefly as to illustrate it.
When a man hits his 40's, which is believed by many to be the beginning of the midlife crisis period, it is without a doubt a time of physical, physiological, psychological and emotional change for a man. For example, one's sight starts to weaken. And as mentioned above, the change in the level of hormones alone could cause physical changes that may make a man impotent or weak in erection. And it's not surprising to hear that men become emotional as immediate as the week after they turn 40.
These are all facts for well over 50% of men. The intentionally dark picture painted here shows how it's quite normal to want a nice, even sporty, car (an example taken directly from my personal account / life). The timing of which, for those waiting until their children leave the nest, is likely to be smack in their mid-to-late 40's. While waiting for the time to do so, many men are very possibly living a weak sex-life within their marriage; occurring (or for most it's not occurring) during the prime time of their physical condition. All of a sudden, the "over the hill" celebration takes place! Within a very few years (if not months) their sight deteriorates. Your libido is no longer what it once used to be followed, if not accompanied, by a weaker erection and even impotence. Suddenly, you realize that age has crept up on you, your children are about to leave the nest (are likely hardly home at this stage), you're having a harder time keeping yourself in shape or even maintaining the bad shape you have (or once had), you may be diagnosed with this or that (see bullet points above), and now you feel more emotional with every passing day!
As I read this ... As I learn more and more about it all ... I can't help but feel that this is absolutely to be expected. Not reacting to it with buying on impulse, leaving your wife, etc. Rather, I'm referring to going through the change itself ... it's expected; but only if you're prepared for it together as husband & wife. Prepared to address it before it happens. Prepared to make a few changes and accurately setting expectations. On top of this list, if it exists in your life, you must find a way to correct any weak-sex-frequency or lack of sex all together as soon as possible. Recognize that you have probably gotten used to having the children interfere with your intimate lives because of their schedule, work, school, lack of sleep, etc. But don't wait until they're out of the house to try to spice things up. A healthy frequency for having sex within a marriage is twice a week. As a married man, who is still quite a ways from having a midlife crisis, I try to have sex at minimum once every three (3) days.
The reason I put so much importance on sex out of all the things I mentioned so far is because it's a major source of contention and resentment for men. Men, being more logical than emotional, will go through all the changes mentioned above and be OK, except for the sex part. It's how we, as men, express our emotions. And with the increasing emotional feelings that come with age, the quality of sex will be more important than the frequency. But that's from this point forward. All years passed, and the frequency and quality of sex with one's wife are quite equal, it not lob sided towards the former. If you haven't, I urge you to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray,Ph.D.
If you can't go to your wife, or won't out of resentment, hurt, etc., then when you are hit with a weaker erection, libido issues or even impotence, your wife will be your last resort —"She wasn't there for me when I needed her." You don't really have to be struck by any sexually related physical issues before you realize that resentment is taking you down a path you are sure to regret. I don't see a problem buying that nice car you wanted for yourself; regardless of what people think or may call it. But when you're driving the car you've been patiently waiting for, full of confidence despite all the other things you may be going through (minus anything sexually related as I was saying) then you may be now giving out a vibe. You are likely doing well in your career, have a new car, full of confidence, financially stable and/or comfortable, etc. And if you're slightly handsome, it's likely you'll be approached. Again, this is where your intimate relationship with your wife above all other (and I'm once again keeping religion out of it to illustrate the point) will be instrumental. If you've felt deprived regardless of the frequency, then that resentment alone will cloud your judgment. At minimum you will feel that you stayed in the marriage for the wrong reasons. If you don't have an affair, then your state of mind and increasing emotions will likely take you the path of divorce.
Yes, I realize that not all men are the same; but I feel comfortable thinking that there's an overwhelming number of them out there where these examples fit like a glove.
I say all of this assuming a stable man. A man that's not letting his mortality play a major role in this midlife crisis he's experiencing. A man that has morals and ethics. A man that is very loving of his wife and family. Any other, and things only become more complicated. And a true crisis could be at hand. Especially if alcohol and/or any substance abuse are involved.
The wife in many "western" societies is likely to be the one taking care of the bills these days. Having a husband that's all of a sudden interested in buying a sports car for himself should not be met with an outbreak. Instead, it's imperative to note that this is a time of change for the husband. A time to sit down and understand the drive and reason behind such a request. A time of understanding and support (that doesn't mean giving him a blank check or even agreeing to buy anything on impulse). Just keep in mind that all of the support, understanding, love, etc. is built on years of marriage. Make sure that the marriage is built without any resentment. Resentment is the termites that will eat your marriage from the inside out rendering all forms of support weak at best. And at the core of most resentment in marriage is sex —The health meter of your intimate relationship with your spouse.
The rest, like buying a car, the suggestion by the husband to spend the rest of your lives in a tropical/warmer climate area of the World, etc. is all secondary and can be worked on with ease ... in my opinion. I urge those of you who have not yet gone through a midlife crisis, and those of you who think they may be going through one now to examine some of the signs. Personally, I cannot imagine not being in love with my wife, blaming her for something major, waiting until I have an our, not caring about how she feels, viewing her as having been in the way all along, etc. Some of these signs (like #10) are just awful to even imagine.
I really believe that midlife crisis is a result, not a condition or a symptom. A result of a marriage built with a lot of resentment. For men, as I am one, it can easily be because of sex, rejection, etc. But definitely not just that. For women, who as I mentioned can also go through a midlife crisis, resentment can be from an emotionally distant husband, a not understanding one, an unsupportive husband, an abusive one, etc. I guess what I'm trying to say is don't mistake my one-sided view of men (writing from that single point of view) blind you from knowing & understanding that women (our collective wives) have just as many reasons for the same type & kind of resentment that could make going through a midlife crisis for either of you a cause for the end of your relationship as a married couple.
Talk it out. Talk about it. Talk about your issues now. Solve them before the water is too muddy to clean. You owe it to each other. You owe it to yourselves. And you owe it to your kids and families. And to all my fellow men who will have, or already are going through having, a midlife crisis, take my word for it ... It is very rare for a hot young skirt to stick around. And if you don't believe me, make one of your first questions "I want more kids, I hope you feel the same way?" Don't let your clouded judgment, your hurt, your resentment, steer you away from the love of your life; from your wife.
Wishing you and I a happy journey to a more mature and wiser adulthood.
Posted by Anti-inertiatic at Wednesday, July 22, 2009 10:49 PM 
Categories: Life in general
Tags: Life Culture
Categories: Life in general
Tags: Life Culture
Great article. Thanks for sharing
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Nicely written about the mid life crisis.
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I strongly believe that this mid life crisis in men is related to the low testosterone level and with the sexual problems that start showing at this age. Many people come unprepared for their age and the changes in their bodies that show them every day that they get older and older don't help much.
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At some point in our lives we have to accept that we are getting old by the day but often time gets ahead of us and forces us to adapt. When it comes to men and sexuality things get even worse. Men today can consider themselves lucky though compared to men decades ago, they have the option to buy Viagra and that's a lot.
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Thanks heaps to the author!
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Thanks for greats post
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Sometimes you just have to do a complete 180* turn in your life and mood in your middle age. My cousin has completely changed over the course of just a few years, I think he is going through some kind of issues with his mid life.
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Hi...Your post really got me thinking man..... an intelligent piece I must say.
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You have a point. Very insightful. A nice different perspective.
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I think that midlife crisis will hit you hard if you cannot deal with getting older, and you tend to look back at life and regret the mistakes you have made, learning to deal with your past will make it easier for you to deal with these critical midlife moments.
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I would love to read more about this topic.Don’t stop blogging! It’s nice to read a sane commentary for once.Excellent read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing a little research on that.
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